My New Glasses

Just before we went to Switzerland I took delivery of a new pair of polarised, photo chromic, varifocal glasses. One day all glasses will have head up displays to the Internet but at the moment I've got the smartest ones you can get without having to buy a Euro Fighter. Obviously, there has to be a snag.

Arriving at Liverpool Airport I looked at the departures board to find it was completely empty – just a plain black rectangle. The effect reminded me of the “peril sensitive” glasses in the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy. (the ultimate accessory for laid back people they automatically blacked out anything alarming - a brilliant idea with the fatal flaw that the wearer never knew when to duck) Remembering my basic physics, I cocked my head at 90 degrees like a budgie and the flight details magically appeared.

Apart from the odd black hole everything was pretty much OK until we'd got towards the Canary Islands. As the sunlight became stronger, the windows of the ship became swirling patterns of colour. Fortunately I realised what was happening before I got the full psychedelic effect – otherwise I'd have probably sat on the floor and started sucking my thumb. All the ship's windows are toughened glass and some also have film coatings. For some reason my x-ray specs amplify the patterns that you sometimes see on this type of glazing many times over. I'm sure that the Internet will tell me why when we get home.

Anyway, some windows became threepenny bit sized lenses with each lens displaying a spectrum of rainbow colours. Others had larger swirls of colour like oil on water. Between these extremes the patterns and colours mixed and moved in endless combinations. Although the colours were strong they were translucent and I could still see the views although perhaps not in the colours that God had intended. The trick was to pick a window where the colours matched the view – blue at the top and green at the bottom worked best.

Just in case you think I'm making this up (who me!) I took a photo using my glasses as a camera filter. It wouldn't focus on the more intricate patterns so I had to pick an oily one. It's nowhere near as vivid as the real thing but you'll get the general idea. After a while, I got to quite like the effect and I miss it now we're back in less sunny waters. If you think about how much you'd have to spend on illegal substances to view the world like this for several days my new glasses have turned out to be a real bargain.

Dave